“Don’t be Selfish”, “I’m not wearing it for me, I’m wearing it for you”.
Two sentiments among many that rankle my nerves. I feel the distortion in the energy whenever they’re evoked, often delivered with firm, righteous belief. My view differs, as I don’t accept that someone else knows better what is best for me.
I openly share what informs my understanding and my choices, particularly when data and facts are involved. Intuitive knowing or energetic interpretations are less-easily shared, since they usually come across as opinions rather than insights. In any case, I don’t presume to know what is best for another. That’s soul work.
With this commentary I share perspectives born of a long conversation I recently had with Michele. She has spent almost 40 years assisting clients to heal trauma and survival patterns, and she has an innate capacity for shifting structures within consciousness. I am often the beneficiary of her rich abundance of knowledge and wisdom. On a good day I remember to turn on my recorder to capture what flows through into our discussions. Fortunately, this particular conversation happened on a good day.
I wanted to know why those sentiments always felt so hollow and insincere, besides having the effect of jangling my nerves like a dentist drilling without painkiller. Or, as I so eloquently asked… what’s the deal with that? She explained:
Shame-based, toxic, manipulative co-dependency. It all means toxic to me. It means you’re not respecting someone else’s experience, their awareness, and their choices. It means you think you know better than them, and you’re going to manipulate and shame in order to make them do something you want them to do. This is done regardless of who they are, what their internal experience is, what they feel, and what they actually know for themselves.
It’s the opposite of respect, and the opposite of love. It is not love.
People use manipulation, almost like arm-twisting…”you don’t love me if you don’t do this”. That’s not love. It is the opposite. Love includes a kind of respect for the autonomy, and the authority, and the sovereignty of another soul or being. Even if it’s very different than what you would choose for yourself. If you really love them, you respect it, you honor it no matter what.
A lot of people have grown up in co-dependent systems, and they don’t even know that it’s not love. You can’t blame them, either.
I don’t blame anybody. Get clear about your own stuff. Many Minnesotans grew up in that kind of system, as did many other Americans. Minnesotans seem to have that kind of underlying co-dependency, shaming you if you don’t think of others first. The religious undergirdings are strong.
Every person, each individual, your soul, your wisdom, your own knowing what’s authentically true and aligned with you, is within you. You are in the middle of your experience. If you’re having an experience that’s troubling to you, or that triggers you, or that gets you stirred, that’s your experience. Sit inside of it, own it, rather than project it and try to make somebody else different so you can feel not triggered. It’s YOUR trigger. Absolutely, beautifully yours.
Your soul, your wisdom, is allowing you to get upset by whatever is happening, so that you can sit in the middle of it with your own capacity to love yourself. If you haven’t learned that, it’s good practice. And you sit there. It doesn’t matter who is triggering you, or why it’s triggering you, at least sit there long enough to get to what is underneath for you. Once you own it, once you open it, once you are able to stay present with it…whether it’s fear, whether it’s anger, whether it’s not understanding why other people would choose what they choose. Well, maybe you should ask them and listen. Maybe you would learn something about that person that you didn’t know, yet. Maybe they would reveal something real to you, if you were honestly open-hearted, loving, present enough without your agenda, to let them share something real with you.
If you can’t sit there with them, with the absolute unconditional presence that love is, then it’s yours. Own it. If I get triggered, that’s what I do.
No, we haven’t been trained to do it. No, it wasn’t taught in school. No, religions absolutely did the opposite. We have a lot of reasons why we don’t do it. But now, we’re all adults. We’re able, capable of learning something new and evolving. Evolving our souls, evolving ourselves, evolving beyond the knee-jerk reactions that were all conditioned in childhood. Bringing our attention back to ourselves, rather than so externally focused that we’re just being run by whatever is happening outside of our world.
Believe me, there are a lot of people out there than want to run your consciousness. They want to control your reactions, they want to control your fear, they want to use it for some benefit to them. And if you are that vulnerable because you have not yet learned or practiced, at least a little bit, what belongs to you and what doesn’t, then you will be run and controlled by the external power brokers, your family or anybody. You’ll always be upset, you’ll always be triggerable. And, of course we have triggers, but they’re yours. It’s a basic principle. It’s at the very foundation of conscious evolution.